There’s an old saying that goes: Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I had the opportunity to ponder this saying at a workshop on forgiveness, lead by Eileen Barker, a mediator…
I have never thought of myself as one to bury feelings. When I’m sad or hurt, I readily cry. When I feel anger, I have a lightening fast temper. There are, however, some feelings I am not so open to…
I experienced a number of losses the year Marianne died — three friends and a brother. I felt her death more keenly because she was among my closest friends and because I accompanied her through the final months of her…
Death has a bad public image. In hospitals, it’s the enemy to be fought and resisted. On TV, death is either quick and quickly forgotten in cop shows; scary, ooookeee spooky in horror shows; or tragic and depressing in dramas.…
I made a lot of mistakes when my parents were dying. Obvious signs of their aging were overlooked, communication broke down, I often failed to show up and when I did, I quickly ran away. I felt confused, indecisive and…
One of the challenges children of aging parents face is getting them to cooperate with changes that are for their own good. It is not easy for them. The change often means more restrictions, less independence, a diminution in self…
So many things can work against our efforts to care for ourselves while caring for aging loved ones. Being too busy is a big one. There are often numerous medical appointments. The house may need alterations. There is new equipment…
In an earlier blog, I explored some of the ways people get their ideas about life after death. Religion has been the primary source of these ideas throughout most of history. Since the advent of hospice and modern medicine, we…
We all die. It’s part of life. But few of us want think about it unless we have to. The aging of our parents is a powerful reminder, which offers special opportunities for healing, personal growth and connection. One of…
When my friend, Marianne, had a recurrence of a particularly nasty cancer, she fought it for all she was worth. She was only 53 and not ready to die. Her oncologist told her it was time to sign up with…
Legendary film star Bette Davis once said: Getting old is not for sissies! For those of us in the firm grasp of the jaws of time, it’s hard not to agree. Aging certainly has its challenges — failing eyesight, sagging…
The issue of forgiveness frequently comes up in grief. Both regrets and resentments often accompany significant loss. You make mistakes. Others make mistakes, are insensitive, clueless, stressed. Weird family dynamics get triggered. Regrets are about the actions you took or…
One of the more distressing manifestations of grief — along with the clenching heart pain, bottomless sorrow, mind fog and exhaustion — is an unrelenting loop of disturbing thoughts. I am particularly susceptible to this sort of misery because I…
The origins of Valentines Day have been traced back to the ancient Roman feast of Lupercalia, a spring fertility festival celebrated on February 15th. I like the idea of a day dedicated to the celebration of love. We can always…
Last Thursday I did a workshop on grieving at the El Cerrito Public Library. My film, The Heart of Grieving, was screened and people shared their stories of loss. Very soon we were talking about the mystery that can surround…
Yesterday I was interviewed by Cheryl Jones on VoiceAmerica. Her show, Good Grief, is about the transformational possibilities of grief. So we talked about the loss of my parents and how that led me to make my film series, Secrets…
The wind was blowing strong and fierce the other day — a warm, dry Santa Ana wind that rustled through the plastic tarps in the backyard, knocking off garbage lids and whipping the trees. Unusual for this time of year…
At their core, winter holidays are about celebrating the returning of the light. Candles, luminarias, fireworks and Christmas lights are potent reminders of this. It is a time of hope and promise when darkness is at its greatest. Both the…
Over the last few decades, advances in medical technology have dramatically changed the way we die. In the good ole days (not always so good), families waited patiently at the bedside of dying loved ones while nature took its course.…
As the saying goes: Nothing in life is certain except death and taxes. Taxes, however, come due at predictable times, which forces us to prepare, even if we hate doing it. Death, on the other had, is completely unpredictable and…