We live in a culture that values emotional control and therefore does not provide much usable information on handling grief. When someone experiences a profound loss, it can feel very risky to be around others. Few know how to respond…
I have never thought of myself as one to bury feelings. When I’m sad or hurt, I readily cry. When I feel anger, I have a lightening fast temper. There are, however, some feelings I am not so open to…
I experienced a number of losses the year Marianne died — three friends and a brother. I felt her death more keenly because she was among my closest friends and because I accompanied her through the final months of her…
Death has a bad public image. In hospitals, it’s the enemy to be fought and resisted. On TV, death is either quick and quickly forgotten in cop shows; scary, ooookeee spooky in horror shows; or tragic and depressing in dramas.…
I made a lot of mistakes when my parents were dying. Obvious signs of their aging were overlooked, communication broke down, I often failed to show up and when I did, I quickly ran away. I felt confused, indecisive and…
The issue of forgiveness frequently comes up in grief. Both regrets and resentments often accompany significant loss. You make mistakes. Others make mistakes, are insensitive, clueless, stressed. Weird family dynamics get triggered. Regrets are about the actions you took or…
One of the more distressing manifestations of grief — along with the clenching heart pain, bottomless sorrow, mind fog and exhaustion — is an unrelenting loop of disturbing thoughts. I am particularly susceptible to this sort of misery because I…
The origins of Valentines Day have been traced back to the ancient Roman feast of Lupercalia, a spring fertility festival celebrated on February 15th. I like the idea of a day dedicated to the celebration of love. We can always…
Last Thursday I did a workshop on grieving at the El Cerrito Public Library. My film, The Heart of Grieving, was screened and people shared their stories of loss. Very soon we were talking about the mystery that can surround…
Yesterday I was interviewed by Cheryl Jones on VoiceAmerica. Her show, Good Grief, is about the transformational possibilities of grief. So we talked about the loss of my parents and how that led me to make my film series, Secrets…
The wind was blowing strong and fierce the other day — a warm, dry Santa Ana wind that rustled through the plastic tarps in the backyard, knocking off garbage lids and whipping the trees. Unusual for this time of year…
At their core, winter holidays are about celebrating the returning of the light. Candles, luminarias, fireworks and Christmas lights are potent reminders of this. It is a time of hope and promise when darkness is at its greatest. Both the…
I read the letter in my faculty mailbox a second time. I could not believe it. St. Mary’s College was offering me a one-year renewal of my teaching position — a terminal contract. It was December 1977, just before Christmas…
Eating affects the way we feel, how we function and how are bodies repair. This is especially important when we are under stress or coping with a significant loss. In my blog Grief Lessons, I described how I lost my…