We live in a culture that values emotional control and therefore does not provide much usable information on handling grief.
When someone experiences a profound loss, it can feel very risky to be around others. Few know how to respond appropriately and the last thing a griever needs is needs is the discomfort of others — the perfunctory “How are you doing?” followed by a quick change of subject, the glancing away, the “Oh don’t cry, it’ll be alright,” the speedy exit and the failure to call back.
Who wouldn’t want to grieve alone?
Yet there are very significant benefits to grieving with others, rather than to grieve alone. There is the comfort of human companionship, the validation of a common sorrow, the physical reassurance of human contact, and the healing that comes simply by the telling of story.
Rachel Naomi Ramen, celebrated author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, said in an interview on VoiceAmerica that just sharing the story of loss could have a powerful healing effect.
Friends of those in grief can help just by sitting with them and listening to their story.
Being around others is a lot work! Holding back the tears and behaving as though things are fine is exhausting.
The fear is, of course, that the griever will never stop or that talking about it will make them feel worse. This turns out not to be true. When a friend is truly curious, truly listen and keep asking for more details, a transformation can happen inside the griever that can be profoundly healing. Friends just need to get it out of their heads that they need to fix things. The fix comes from being present.
If you grieve alone and lack a sufficient number of grief-friendly friends, or reliable listeners, the next best thing is joining a grief group or receiving individual counseling. These people know and understand grief and can provide a safe place for sharing stories.
Many hospices offer free or low cost services. Churches and temples are another resource. Meet-ups are a new way people are finding the support they need.
Not every group will feel right, not every counselor. Keep looking until you find a good fit. It will be worth it.
Find out about the grief coaching services available at Secrets of Life and Death HERE.
Free initial consultations are available by skype or phone to help you discover your next step.
Don’t Grieve Alone
Take care,
Michelle